It’s time to face the reality that a magical “every moment will be perfect” type of relationship just doesn’t exist. Yet, while many of us know this picture perfect love isn’t real, we still have a hard time at love. We feel like we don’t deserve it, can’t give it, won’t find it, can’t get someone to match it or are just plain bad at it. We’ve all been there and let us be the first to tell you, there is no one answer but a combination of answers that play a part in what barriers you may be harboring towards love. So, stop beating yourself up, thinking you’re a love loser and wipe your tears because we’re about to give you the top reasons our love coaches have seen as to why some of us just can’t seem to get a hand in love.
1 • You’ve been disillusioned by “Hollywood love”.
This is a big one and it’s painted a picture for so many all across the globe of what media “love” is like. It is shown in movies, TV shows, star news, late night dramas, or sometimes even commercials and it can paint a vision of love that is only partially true or not true at all.
That’s the beauty of the Silver Screen but it can also give us some really bad examples to compare too. Love isn’t always perfectly beautiful nor are people always spontaneously hooking up or having sex like in the movies. Also, take a look at where your ideas of what a “love” relationship are coming from chances are your source wasn’t always the best. Each relationship is different, every person and personality is unique and it takes so much more than just the initial flame to keep a relationships’ fire burning. Love comes with highs and lows it’s up to us to decide which we will have more of.
2 • You’ve been led astray by your own ideal of “love”.
This can be a difficult point to comprehend one that may take years or a snap of the fingers for some to truly understand. Many individuals have an idea in their head already of the type of love they think they deserve. It can be healthy, very unhealthy or a mix of both. These expectations can be an avenue for you to be let down. Because if a partner doesn’t meet these expectations how will you feel? How do you think it will make your partner feel? We are all human and just like you, a partner may come with some emotional bruises or bandages just try to be open-minded and open-hearted to one another. Also, don’t expect everything to go just right all of the time, sometimes you may have a little-heated conversation, disagree on a decision, or each feel your own way about a situation, this is part of almost any relationship. Just realize that you are each individual human beings with your own set of emotions and this plays a big part when it comes to validation, understanding, and communication.
3 • You’ve gotta love you.
You’re probably tired of hearing this one but we are going to wear it out just once more, you’ve got to love yourself. We know it can be a difficult task, one that may take a lifetime to achieve but we promise you, nothing will be more worth it in the end. When you can learn to love yourself, whatever it may be about you, it is then easier for you to accept love from others.
Consequently, giving them the love they truly deserve will be much easier in this self-love, positive space too! If you constantly dislike and shame things about yourself like how your body looks, how you act, the job you have, your house, your life, then all those feelings will put you in a place to feel like no one else will ever love them either. Mentally this can create a barrier towards love. It makes it harder to accept that others love us, that we can love others fully, or that these things about us will ever be loved by anyone else unless we can change or eliminate them. This way of thinking is common, but can be changed. Learn to accept that we can be both, loving of these things about ourselves while simultaneously still working to improve them. Mindful positivity is a major part of a successful relationship. When you can stay in a positive space and express that with your partner it will only help to better and strengthen the relationship!
4 • Trauma, Trauma and more guess what… oh Trauma!
The good old trauma drama! First, trauma is no joke and if necessary should be talked with to a psychologist, therapist or physician. Here’s a short and quick run over on how love trauma affects us later. When we get hurt, broken-hearted, cheated on, or broken up with, anything that may cause a deep emotional pain our minds remember this. Why? Because it’s their job to keep us safe and away from danger. Your mind doesn’t realize that this pain is one it can let go of, also it may take more than just self-care or a night out with friends. Therapy, coaching or communication with objective others can be beneficial as well. Now lets fast forward to a future relationship. When your brain feels like you are in a similar situation you will begin to emotionally react in the same way.
Let’s say for example your last partner was a cheater, they lied about working late and were actually cheating. Now 6 months later you may have a new partner and they are also working late and on this night you feel so strongly that they’re cheating too. There could be a small chance you’re right but the more realistic reality is probably this. Your brain contains a cellular emotional memory on the previous times that you’ve been emotionally hurt. Now, it plays that old situation to you making you feel like this is almost the same thing happening to you again! So your emotional brain tells you it must be. Don’t let your emotions run away with you! Take a deep breath, remember, open, honest, and straightforward communication with a partner is a good way to get rid of those pesky feelings and it will assist in bringing you two closer. This is also a great way to get rid of those old emotional pathways that take your thinking to that place of hurt or trauma. It will take time to get through or past those old memories and feelings but the liberation of these feelings will benefit you in the long run.
5 • Maybe you forgot your Independence.
Quite often, when people are single they find more time to do the things necessary for their happiness. Once getting into a relationship, however, a lot of that personal time may fall to the side. Although you may be in an otherworldly type of love the attachment formed in many relationships can become a dependent one.
Which means that how you feel, act, respond, react, and live life can often be dependent on how you are feeling about your partner or how your partner feels. Sometimes an unhealthy codependent relationship can be formed. When you don’t take care of yourself in this process this is where many of the issues start to arise. We forget that we used to exercise because it made US feel good, we used to go to the beach every week, we used to paint along the cliffside, or go rock climbing once a month. We used to have a night out with family or friends and we lived life to the fullest. If this sounds familiar it’s because deep within you this person still exists. Now, it’s up to you to bring them back. Of course respecting and honoring your partner, your relationship, and their emotions come into play during this You time. Yet, taking even an hour or two a day to do something specifically for yourself will assist you in maintaining your partnered independence. Sometimes when partners become too dependent on one another it can create a very unhealthy and/or unhappy dynamic. Don’t “lose” yourself in love instead build YOU then “give” yourself in love.
Love can be explained in so many ways and not everyone loves the same or expresses it equally. One deep truth that our coaches see in many clients is that the desire to be loved is felt by almost every being. It’s simply the urge to merge, it’s biological and love (the emotion) is one that we’ve struggled to figure out for a while. Can you have a love at first sight, instantaneous connection, yes. But the truth is this is usually and more likely just our carnal and biological nature. Being in love takes a lot more work from both sides. If you want to be with someone and you both are willing to work together to overcome obstacles and celebrate wins together then you’re halfway there. Try it, conscious love is totally worth it.